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Nicole Laura's Journal

Monday, August 2, 2004

4:18PM - Apology to you

Hey, sorry if I don't respond to my replies right away. I don't actually have my own computer or consistent access to the internet right now. I can use it at Ethan's, but it's pretty sporadic. So. Yeah. Sorry. I should be able to check it for the next few days, but... It might be better to call me if you want to get a hold of me or make plans. So, if you don't have my number, ask. I really do want to meet up with some of you though, so lets get it together.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

9:02PM

I find that my replies to other peoples entries are sometimes much better than my own entries. I guess that's part of what this place might be for: to encourage discussion on any number of topics.

On another subject: I think maybe it would be cool if some of us from highschool got together for coffee. I dunno though. It could be kind of ridiculousness. But it would be kind of interesting as well if someone would organize some kind of coffee excursion. Like we meet at blank time at blank place. Of course, I couldn't do it. It would never happen. I'm just not that dedicated to the idea, but it would be cool. Maybe.

Monday, July 12, 2004

7:30PM

Extroverted (E) 55.26% Introverted (I) 44.74%
Imaginative (N) 53.66% Realistic (S) 46.34%
Intellectual (T) 71.05% Emotional (F) 28.95%
Easygoing (P) 62.86% Organized (J) 37.14%
Your type is: ENTP
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<td [...] left">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<div align="center"><!--55.26 53.66 71.05 62.86--> <table style="color: black; background: #eeeeee" border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td> <div align="center"> <table style="color: black; background: #dddddd" border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td> <div align="center"> Extroverted (E) 55.26% Introverted (I) 44.74%<br> Imaginative (N) 53.66% Realistic (S) 46.34%<br> Intellectual (T) 71.05% Emotional (F) 28.95%<br> Easygoing (P) 62.86% Organized (J) 37.14%<br> </div> </td> </tr> </table> <table style="color: black; background: #eeeeee" border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td> <div align="center"> Your type is: <b><font size="+3">ENTP</font></b><br> </div> </td> </tr> </table> <table style="color: black; background: #dddddd" border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tr> <td width="280quot;>> <div align="left"> You are an Inventor, possible professions include - systems designer, venture capitalist, actor, journalist, investment broker, real estate agent, real estate developer, strategic planner, political manager, politician, special projects developer, literary agent, restaurant/bar owner, technical trainer, diversity manager, art director, personnel systems developer, computer analyst, logistics consultant, outplacement consultant, advertising creative director, radio/TV talk show host. </div> </td> </tr> </table> </div> </td> </tr> </table> <a href="http://similarminds.com/career.html">Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test</a><br><font size="1"><a href="http://similarminds.com">personality tests by similarminds.com</a></font></div>

Thursday, June 3, 2004

11:33AM - no time to update or respond until i finish this ...

...but i did find the time to take a break and find out this:

Grammar God!
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, May 31, 2004

12:02AM - WTF!?!

This is a fucking crazy article I learned about in dreamsoft's journal. I can't even believe we let this go on?!?

Link to the actual article in case you want proof: http://www.news-journalonline.com/NewsJournalOnline/Opinion/Editorials/03OpOPN62051504.htm

Hard lessons from poetry class: Speech is free unless it's critical


By BILL HILL

Last update: 15 May 2004


Bill Nevins, a New Mexico high school teacher and personal friend, was fired last year and classes in poetry and the poetry club at Rio Rancho High School were permanently terminated. It had nothing to do with obscenity, but it had everything to do with extremist politics.

The "Slam Team" was a group of teenage poets who asked Nevins to serve as faculty adviser to their club. The teens, mostly shy youngsters, were taught to read their poetry aloud and before audiences. Rio Rancho High School gave the Slam Team access to the school's closed-circuit television once a week and the poets thrived.

In March 2003, a teenage girl named Courtney presented one of her poems before an audience at Barnes & Noble bookstore in Albuquerque, then read the poem live on the school's closed-circuit television channel.

A school military liaison and the high school principal accused the girl of being "un-American" because she criticized the war in Iraq and the Bush administration's failure to give substance to its "No child left behind" education policy.

The girl's mother, also a teacher, was ordered by the principal to destroy the child's poetry. The mother refused and may lose her job.

Bill Nevins was suspended for not censoring the poetry of his students. Remember, there is no obscenity to be found in any of the poetry. He was later fired by the principal.

After firing Nevins and terminating the teaching and reading of poetry in the school, the principal and the military liaison read a poem of their own as they raised the flag outside the school. When the principal had the flag at full staff, he applauded the action he'd taken in concert with the military liaison.

Then to all students and faculty who did not share his political opinions, the principal shouted: "Shut your faces." What a wonderful lesson he gave those 3,000 students at the largest public high school in New Mexico. In his mind, only certain opinions are to be allowed.

But more was to come. Posters done by art students were ordered torn down, even though none was termed obscene. Some were satirical, implicating a national policy that had led us into war. Art teachers who refused to rip down the posters on display in their classrooms were not given contracts to return to the school in this current school year.

The message is plain. Critical thinking, questioning of public policies and freedom of speech are not to be allowed to anyone who does not share the thinking of the school principal.

The teachers union has been joined in a legal action against the school by the National Writers Union, headquartered in New York City. NWU's at-large representative Samantha Clark lives and works in Albuquerque.








The American Civil Liberties Union has become the legal arm of the lawsuit pending in federal court.

Meanwhile, Nevins applied for a teaching post in another school and was offered the job but he can't go to work until Rio Rancho's principal sends the new school Nevins' credentials. The principal has refused to do so, and that adds yet another issue to the lawsuit, which is awaiting a trial date.

While students are denied poetry readings, poetry clubs and classes in poetry, Nevins works elsewhere and writes his own poetry.

Writers and editors who have spent years translating essays, films, poems, scientific articles and books by Iranian, North Korean and Sudanese authors have been warned not to do so by the U.S. Treasury Department under penalty of fine and imprisonment. Publishers and film producers are not allowed to edit works authored by writers in those nations. The Bush administration contends doing so has the effect of trading with the enemy, despite a 1988 law that exempts published materials from sanction under trade rules.

Robert Bovenschulte, president of the American Chemical Society, is challenging the rule interpretation by violating it to edit into English several scientific papers from Iran.

Are book burnings next?

Hill is a retired News-Journal reporter.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

11:48PM

Flickering Lights

Life is so different than what I thought it was as a kid. A cliché-ridden statement, but so be it. It seems that this is the year I learn about my utter mortality—a combination of strength and vulnerability. I never thought it would be like this or that I would be like this.
This. This isn’t depression; don’t be confused. This is reality—clear and frank … and yeah, maybe it’s laced a bit with depression.
I have been so busy with work and school lately—a welcome distraction that I haven’t had much time to simply think about things, and now that I have, I find myself not myself or more myself. Who knows?
All I know is that I have a lot of wishes, but I haven’t done the work it takes.
This is the year I learn about my utter mortality.

Damn. The lights are flickering again. It’s so bloody distracting.

Current mood: sick

Saturday, May 31, 2003

2:34PM - Sick

I have not been on here or replying for the past week because I have been sick. I am still sick, but oh well. Uhhhg. I am going to go read all my friend's entries I've missed.

:)

Saturday, May 24, 2003

12:17AM - Only a Dream

I feel like I have so many choices right now.
Or none at all.
Almost like they’ve all already been made for me.
Like they were never choices to begin with.
I don’t sound like myself at all.
Destiny. What’s that?

I feel like everything means something. Like this whole day and night has so much meaning, so much is at stake. Why though?

Would you ask me to dance? Could you love me like a woman would? Could you love me like a woman should?

First you kiss me. Then, you resist me. Should I love you like a lover would?

I don’t know how I feel about myself, and I’m not sure where this depression I’m feeling comes from. I am happy. I know I am … So, what is this about?

Every day seems so weighted.

I just don’t know how I measure up.

Current mood: I don't know

Friday, May 9, 2003

2:38PM - MUN

So, I am stressing out completely. I decided to take this one-credit class from a professer whose AMerican Government class I thoroughly enjoyed. I though it would help keep me current on politics and news because he gives awesome and interesting lectures. However, the class is actually a cross-surricualr program or whatnot that is Model United Nations where we attend day-long or longer conferences and represent countries and (obviously) immitate or behaves ans thoguh we were the real United Nations. And, freaking students run the class and doctor nick never ever lectures or talks hardly at all. This would all be okay except no one wants to expalin how we go about doing this conferecne shit. All they ever do is say, "You'll be fine!" or "I have faith in you!" Except, they have never spoken to me before uttering these words. And any extra time in class is spent discussing when This father-son duo whose last name is Easter will have this supposedly infoamous party at their house that they call the, "Easter Party." How much does all of this suck!!!?!>?!>!>!?
And, to make matters worse, I have a bloody fucking conference tomorrow and I am the UK and I am so completely ill-prepared and in-the-dark that I am completely freaking out. I would love to drop the class, but that would totally affect my scholarship. I know nothing about anything at all. I feel so stupid right now. I am going to spend all night researching and studying. Oh well.

Current mood: pissed off

Tuesday, May 6, 2003

1:34PM - Hello doctor, is it serious ... Generic Hospital ... Yes, Marie, I'm afraid its kasljfoiangfwekjarbh

Oh dear. Well, lets just make out then. Okay.

So, I have to be on this liquid diet for 24 hours starting today at 3:20 p.m. before getting some medical tests tomorrow at the same time. I told myself I would gorge this morning to make up for it, but I haven't. I haven't eaten anything, but a few leftover fishy cheesy crackers. I am going to be so hungry. I really should eat. But, I keep typing here. What's up with that? I don't know, but I had to tell some people why I wouldn't be able to work today or tomorrow. I didn't tell them what is wrong with me ... Well, I don't really know, but I didn't say what kinds of test I'm getting or why. SO, they act all worried. THere is nothing worse than false sympathy. I mean, these people don't care. THey will go home and forget all about it and wipe that sympathetic and empathetic and pathetic and worried, worrisome look off their faces as soon as they are out of my sight. Or, they will spread strange rumors or something. Y'know, that sounds junior high, but people never, and i mean never grow out of gossip. God, I sound pessimistic right now. What's that about. It's not that I want real sympathy. I just wish there wasn't any false sympathy. THere is nothing worse than false sympathy ...

Monday, April 28, 2003

2:05PM - America

I am going to go to Sasquatch (sp?) Festival soon. OOoooohWeeeeee It is going to be wonderful; I know. I feel like, "I always wanna be right here." I feel good right now.


I am taking a Sex Holiday soon. Doesn't that just sound so funny. I mean, a "Sex Holiday," who takes those? Anyhow, I am going up to Olympia to visit my friend Katrina on the 16th 17th and 18th of May so that I can attend a three-day seminar/workshop at her school, Evergreen State University.
Katy let slip that she is buying me a vibrator for my birthday. Isn't she the best! One thing I love about us is that we are always giving each other little gifts because we love to see the other smile. Last time she came down, she brought me a new journal and some really funny stickers. One is with Zack and Slater from Saved by the Bell and it says "Heartthrobs." Isn't that grrreat?!?
I got her some fancy little shot glasses and a mini purple vibrator, that we named Zeke. When you put him on the floor, he zooms around. This guy she was seeing got freaked when she tried to show him the hilarity. Aren't men just so funny?!
I also bought her some postcards to send. I got one for myself though. It says, "Obscenity is whatever gives the judge an erection," and has this picture of some retro chick-en who looks like Judy Garland, and she has colors smeared all over her face.


I think I will post some of my fave postcards now that I know how.

annetaintor.com
hmmmn

I have this one on the wall beside my desk:
I have this one on the wall above my desk



I should be feeling more nervous. But I'm not.

I bloody well love this song!

I am not supposed to say the word, "like" anymore as I made a deal with James, but I am having a hell of a time. Everyone around me proceeds to make it even harder as it is "like" their every other "like" word "like" y'know: I just "like" can't stop. Uhhhhggggg! I could scream in frustration.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

11:16PM - Am i being sarcastic or not or maybe the question is when.*

*Note: This post was actually written before the last one.

Stay in motion. I hate seeing people I used to know. I almost feel a new person, but I know people don’t change. I certainly haven’t changed— no matter how hard I’ve tried. I never could, never can control my desires.

Try harder. There’s nothing more lonely (lonelier) than fighting against your nature. Nothing more futile. But, I can’t accept my faults, and why should I? I don’t expect to change, so how can I expect to stop fighting when that’s almost as much a part of me as the natural instincts inborn into me that I hate so much.

Puncutate. It’s a run-on sentence that will never posses a period, only more commas. But, people love commas. Periods are so final. Exclamation points are best. I mean, commas in life are the equivalent of fading away. Who pays attention after 18 commas; the attention span will not withstand the delays or drawing out of one thought. Periods are much preferable, if one can’t have exclamation points. I think I pretty much have a question mark, and what does that say?

Be heard. Keep moving. Consciousness tells us it’s the right thing to do, and sub consciousness is too subtle, too unassuming for us. For me. How can I pay attention to a whisper, when vibrations from a shout are rumbling in my belly?

Look away. If it’s unpleasant, why pay attention? Unpleasant to whom? Accidents that don’t affect me can’t really matter on the level of my own small interpretation of importance to my own small surroundings of my own small world. So, it can’t be unpleasant, only of interest in the understanding of the unusual, unexpected, or so grotesque or awful to the point of amusement.

Pay attention. Find out which direction your hair is blowing. I am a bit confused. Either I am moving so fast that everything is a blur of beautiful colors. Or, I am standing so still that things are passing me by at such a pace that those the bright fluorescent tones make me want to pass out. It must be important … but only in the sense that it makes me dizzy and confused and the wind is rushing, which could account for the cold chills and artic hands and nose.

Don’t let the little things affect you. Who cares that there is a rose blooming. It’s a mother-bloody-fucking flower. It’s just colors and scents that affect your senses, senses that should just go away.

Recognize your own importance. You are fabulous, fantastic and everything wonderful. If others don’t understand your crucial ness, it is your job to make them realize it. To be effective, you should shout or perform actions metaphorically equivalent to said increase of tone and voice.

Use as many words as possible to make one simple statement. Wait a second: I don’t think that thought was convoluted with an adequate number of clever turns of phrase or additional large and complicated big words. What am I thinking of.

Always use your brain. It’s the only part of your body that really counts.

Mean what you say. Say what you mean. And, always. I mean always direct statements toward others. This can be best accomplished using the word you.

Listen. If someone says you’re crazy, it’s probably true.

Current mood: creative ... with the truth

Monday, March 17, 2003

8:11PM - One more thing:

I just experienced the wierdest deja` vu: I posted and saw the green goat they use on St. Patrick's day and can remember sitting in Journalism with Ivy and posting and looking at the Green Goat. So bloody fucking wierd.

Current mood: wierded-out

8:06PM - Neurotic Postcards ... and ripe with punctuation

So ... I haven't posted in this thing in a while. I have thought about it, but, well (pause) you-know ... never got around to it. I was at this funny store yesterday, and I bought a card for katy-baby (katrina) that says Neurotic in white and grey letters on a black background. (I am so glad we remain great friends to this day.) They also had my favorite postcards that have retro images on them with cut-out letters. They just make me laugh. I have one hanging in my office right now that reads, "She liked/ imaginary men/ best of all." The one I got for katy-baby says, "She threw herself eagerly into the paths of unsutiable men." Go to http://annetaintor.com/postcards.htm and check them out. (Somebody post a pic of one in a comment, because I'm not sure how.) They are so cool. I'm not sure why I am posting in here. I think it is because I was looking over Jones's shoulder today while she typed in hers and got all nostalgic, so I looked at some people's from high school, and Luke's (Atay) made me kinda sad. But, I'm not sure why, 'cause I think I'm pretty happy. It also wierded me out: "Scraping beer off the wall and humping parties?!"
I love this song I'm listening to. Chris calls it Gospel-Pop. Wierd. It's Blur Tender. I actually love this whole CD: modest mouse, Blur, OZMA and more; who wouldn't? I am trying to bug Josh (Wilkins) into coming over and playing air hockey with me; we have the coolest table ever! He won't though, I don't have any finals until Friday, but he has one tomorrow. Still, I think he needs to relax a bit.
I am trying to remind myself to send katy-baby her present tomorrow and cash my check, but I won't. I put things into my phone so they beep and remind me, but I always ignore them.
I realize I am not actually talking about anything in this post, but I don't like to talk too much about myself for fear I might say some-thing. Oh well.
I don't know how we all got from there to here, but somehow ...

Love and sucking
Nicole

Current mood: likable

Monday, July 8, 2002

4:03AM - Etch'a'Sketch

reading :White Oleander: and forgetting the time. Or remembering that it doesn't matter.
"After all the fears, the warnings
After all
A woman's mistakes are different from a girl's
They are written by fire on stone
They are a trait and not an error...

It was worse than I told you so."

Started it tonight. Read much. Already in love. I had such a bloody fucking busy weekend. don't use dirty words at work; Bothers Will. What you're after when you're browsing... I am tired, but when I tried to sleep I just lay there with eyes closed. A rest of something, a rest at least is a rest. Such a busy weekend. Begin. Girly girls, young girls, cousin jess, so simple and so complex, pretty curly hair always hidden. Shame. Off work on Wednesday, don't notice. Window shopping with Andrea. Soft silk flows. Goodbye. Rich. I am saving money for my computer, and I wonder what I will do next year when I will make so much less. What is minimum wage compared to what I get for what I do now? Nothing. Everything to be doing something I want and love? Laziness. "What happened to what we talked about? You can't make those kinds of decisions without talking to me. We need to get together and talk." Boss? Boss. I forget and that is a good thing. I forget and that is a bad thing. I forget the internet exists. I forget about anything that is not reminded to me or in front of my face. Itch. Driving sunburn/tan. I have so many freckles. Did I always? I know my schedule for next year. I know I will change it. That will make someone smile. I forgot to continue. Continue. Mornings of waking up every half hour or so and going back to sleep. Forgot about him. Now I remember because it's tomorrow/today. I will sleep late tomorrow. Woken up with blueberry handfulls. Cherry thoughts. Bought a card for my mom Sad face, who will hug me, i miss you. Message for me and her. Private lives are no secret? what? Continue. Tennis. Girly gossip. Teasing youth. Youth mentality. Fireworks and guessing. Proud to be an American plays. First and not time. So sweet to have this moment here. Choreagraphed oohs aahs ohhs. Running, sprinting, each connected by a hand, an unbroken chain flying. Towards the busses. Laughing. So much laughter this weekend. Latenight Portland felt nostalgic. Take the girls to grandma's. So sick, stomachache from icky Elephant Ear. "I don't feel good" "Ben!". Rotted carcas. Go to the movies. Fib about the girls to G. See :The Importance of Being Earnest:. Not good. Nothing like :An Ideal Husband:. Sucky! Spontaneous. Andrea Again. Need blanket. Montage, Rockbottom Brewery, driving, shoes people. Claustrophobic. Why do I always have to see people I know from my past life? Kyle: bad poem guy, perfect smile, so cute, short. Hate him. Seated right next to me at Montage. Yuck! I think now, yes now, I miss the easy laughter and simple funness atmosphere Katrina and I always had. Friends. They are never the same. To my house sleepover, Andrea and I are tired, up early next morn, shop at very cheap stores, but money is money and stuff is stuff. I like Andrea's house, Antiques abound. Cool(don't use that word much anymore. why not. use rediculous. love rediculous. times change, people change, words change, i take that back, people don't change, circumstances do.). Just glad to get one and a half alone time this week/weekend, so tired of people, just need to spend time with me it was too much. Not used to this. I like being with me so much. Spent time on the internet today, just looking, still not used the amazon gift certif. won. Glad I figured out the freecell game. Time to read. I love being alone!

Wednesday, March 6, 2002

2:30PM - eggs.....hatched

three days ago...

Okay, so, its 1:30 am and I am downstairs beginning Sons and Lovers by D.H. Lawrece in front of the fire, and I remember that I was planning to bake brownies for Andy to take to work. I hop up and head for the kitchen, rummage through the pantry pulling out the insta-box and the frosting. I dump the sweet brown powder into a transparent blue glass mixing bowl. In goes the 1/4 cup oil, oozing and the 1/2C water. 2 eggs for fudgelike, 3 for cakelike. Three it is. I walk over and open the refrigerator door, and reach out my arm to grab three eggs. Every egg stands in perfect formation, each saluting me from the refrigerator door with a bright red/orange safeway S brand. I have to look twice to make sure they arent just all marked hard-boiled or something. Nope. Since when do eggs advertise themselves? Before I finish baking I find a black marker, and on every annoying egg I scribble away the S and place them scribble-side-down.

UGH! It is so extremely annoying! (I know this because as I type I am punching the keys harder and with more emphasis than normal or necessary!) I cannot believe stupid safeway would advertise right on there eggs. Where did they cook up this stupid idea? What, there advertising specialist advise them, hey whydontcha put your emblem on every single item in your store, as much as possible so you can subconsciously encourage shoppers to return! and return....and return...

Obnoxious! And it is all too obvious and also kinda creepy and weird...

Current mood: annoyed and creeped out

Wednesday, February 27, 2002

6:45AM - mission statement to myself, consisting of 999 words

Constant flow of ideas is essential as is learning. Be more in tune with your moral compass. Concentrate on actually seeing PEOPLE instead of commodities. Focus on searching for what you really love. Listen to your conscience. Remember that everyone is special and that nobody is out of reach as long you fight. YOU are not out of reach. You CAN change if you want to. Television and movies can be harmful. Be more aware of what is around you, what is affecting you, your environment. Listen. Do not be afraid of the unknown. Do not be afraid of the common. Recognize what is wrong in any situation or environment and effect change. Do not let others manipulate you or your ideas into commodities. Never believe something is okay just because the majority is declaring it so. Never believe something is okay just because the minority is declaring it so. Do not rebel just to rebel, yet never accept just to accept or avoid confrontation. If you question something at all, research and find out for yourself instead of ignoring or going along with it, intending to examine afterwards and subsequently forgetting. Avoid media-induced hypnosis. Never pretend to understand something you do not. Know you are ignorant and that it is okay because there is always more to learn, but only if you will accept instead of avoid that fact. Read. Read. Read. Love yourself even though you are incomplete. Accept your incomplete self, but never ACCEPT your incomplete self. Everyone has something to teach. Everyone has something to learn. Be true. Question. Question. Question. Accept questions. Question, but do not forget to accept. Question, but remember there are no answers. Remember that past beget present; Present begets future, but live in the now.
Never play the game. No more life is a game analogies. No more life is a game apologies. Justify nothing. If something needs an excuse, it is probably inexcusable. It is probably inexcusable, but not unforgivable. Forgive. Forgive, but never forget. Hope is the only hope. Nothing can be measured. Contradict yourself. Never censor. Never alter yourself for others benefit. Repeat if necessary. Do not bend the rules, but break, erase, alter or change them accordingly. Remember that you are always being interpreted, but do not bring that into account. Answer questions even though that might be impossible. Always effect change. Never expect change. Admit and accept the consequences of your actions. Nothing can ensure that things will happen exactly the way you wish. Acceptance is an illusion, but practice it anyhow. Reality is unreal. Anything is possible. Repeat after me, Clich is okay. Repeat after me, Originality is key. Discard both. Categories are a delusion. Accept anything, but not everything. Stand up. Rest sometimes. Nothing is just because you say so. Lies are wrong. Truth LIES in interpretation. Interpret that how you will. Probability is not fact. Fact is not fact. Everyone is different just as everyone
is the same. Recognize both. You dont have to be good at something to enjoy it. What you want is not always what you want. Articulate. Be literal. Be figurative. Be liberal. Allow room for interpretation of self, ideas, others,surroundings, etceteras. There is only balance in limits. Life lies outside limits or balance. There is no such thing as cannot, but there is ALWAYS will not. Choice is only possible through knowledge. Choose to choose. Inferiority is a complex. Simplify. Everything is simple. Use the brain. Do not use the brain in place of the soul. There is no business like religion. Religion is coercion. Ideas allow room for change. Rely on yourself. Be brave. Bravery is only possible through fear. Fear is only a weakness if it is permitted to rule. Never allow fear to dominate. Fear is rendered powerless once it is overcome. You know nothing and everything depending. You only need rules if you cannot rule yourself. Liberate the unliberatable. Celebrate the uncelebratable. Amuse the unamusable. Embrace the unembracable. Attain the unattainable. Just because something is easy does not mean it is not hard. Just because something is confusing doesnt make it intelligent or unintelligient. Make things up. Imagine. Never be afraid to give up or let go. Fight without wars. Debate without arguments. Color is wonderful. Black and white ARE colors. There is beauty in ugliness. Beauty and ugliness have no place here. Any one thing can, at the same time, be both awesomely beautiful and horrifyingly ugly or beautifully ugly. There are many different interpretations of intelligence. Listen without judgment. Work towards the ideal. Know that the ideal will never be attained. Everything depends on how it is pererceived. Repeat if necessary. Revise. There is truth in emotion. Obsession can be healthy or unhealthy. Everything depends. Never do something out of fear. Change is not only necessary, but inevitable. Do what you love. Love what you do. Remember your past. Focus on the present, and Realize the future. Never accept anything/one at sur/face value. Just because it is inevitable doesnt mean it is inevitable. You have power. Power is limitless. There is no such thing as power. If you want to applaud, go ahead. Effort. Music is a salvation anyone can access. Actions speak louder than words. Words are fun. Art is great. Everyone is an artist. No one can control everything. Control is an illusion. Sleep enough. Do not sleep too much. You know yourself best, but never entirely. Repeat if necessary. Because is NOT an answer. Feel what you feel. Material things are superfluous, lacking in worth. Money causes corruption. Wealth is a matter of opinion. Ownership is an illusion. You cannot take IT with you. Quitting is too easy. Quitting is never easy. You only get out what you put in. Light is only seen in darkness. Sometimes things cannot be reasoned or understood, only felt. You cannot ever really know anything. There is always a choice, but not always the strength to make it. Repeat if necessary.

Current mood: determined

Sunday, August 12, 2001

7:24PM

Sometimes I think about things and start breathing heavy and images flash in a technicolor mess. How is it that your past can come back so quicky and smack you in the face. They say that if you don't learn from history you are destined to repeat it...or something like that. Well, at least I haven't completely reinacted...yet, and I hope I won't. It would be worse this time. I just feel so much.

Friday, August 3, 2001

4:29PM - Blame is in here.

funny as i sit here waiting for the page to load i think to myslef words that i have repeated several times. That if you are unhappy with something or the way something is working out, the only person to blame is yourself. YOU are the only one with the power to change your life, or at least mostof the time or peices of it, so if you are happy it is also the result of choices you have made so if i am unhappy or happy the only person to blame is me and i have to look inside myself to find what i am searching for. I know what i have done wrong, i think and i can analize other people and ponder why someone may have done this or that they hurt me because of that, but i had the power to change these things and I can analize situations to death, but the only answers i can find will arise within me will bubble up in my head in my throat and sputter out or float up becauseI have found them. I can't control other people. The only person I have responsibility for and whose actions are my doing is me and I need to reapeat this to myself. SO as i watch the page load I type without applying pressure to keys, "Blame is in here." over and over and over and I begin to heal.

Tuesday, July 31, 2001

1:22PM

i don't mean to sound rediculous, bit i wonder to myself why i continue choosing guys that are not worthy of me. that sounds conceited and i don't necessarily mean it the way it sounds. THey may be very worthy, but just not of me, if that makes any sense at all. I keep accepting guys that would never understand me no matter what and who i don't really respect. It is funny becuase if I get involved with someone under the circumstances that we are 'involved' or going to be, they will never 'know' me. I somehow shut off or keep them at bay. It is only my friends who really can get close and then if a friend happens to be more they have a chance to really 'know' me. (wow, i sound cliche`) But even then it takes a long time of being my friend to ever move past the most important wall. I don't even know how it works. I just know it does. It's not as though I'm not 'me' all of the time. I can't really explain it in words. I just know that i can only be friends with people. Not a rule, a discovery. I am not making much sense and sound pretty absurd, but what the hell, i don't care. Paul: the only reason he is still around is because he is a good friend. If we hadn't had such an odd relationship from the beginning, he would have been forgotten long ago and Josh(my X boyfriend), the person who knows me so well and is one of my very best friends was friends with me for a very long time before we ever got involved and that is what made any relationship we would ever have be it friendship or whatever almost guarenteed lasting, the reason we are still friends today reguardless of all the stuff that went down when it was ending. I don't think I could ever thrive under a, by-societies-standards, "normal" relationship. oh well, i cannot ramble about this any longer, although I should touch mroe later to further understand me. ugh.

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